Our Wonderfully Made

Everything Coming Together

(Before Falling Apart)

We prayed for this home almost as long as we have prayed for a baby. And here we were – our offer accepted, and eight weeks pregnant! Our time had finally come. We were SO excited! This must be a sign that everything was coming together as it was meant to be. We would move in May 1st, 15 weeks pregnant, start the renos, and welcome our baby into this home. Things were starting to make sense, and I felt as if God’s plan was unfolding as it should. I finally allowed myself to look online at baby related images again. My Pinterest board, K&B Nursery was filling up, as I would excitedly share with Branton new ideas for the nursery…

We had our eye on this specific neighbourhood for quite some time now, which really narrowed down our home search. We knew many homes in this desirable neighbourhood are typically sold privately, never going to a public listing. So, we did what any other home hungry couple would do: we hunted. HARD. By “we”, I really mean that Branton would drive the truck around the neighourhood as we picked out houses, and send me to run up to and either knock on their door, or leave a letter professing our undying love and desire to purchase their home. We (I – lol) also scoped out the Neighbourhood Facebook Page, where I would tip toe the line of badgering, again sending out feelers for anyone looking to sell in the area. We just sincerely wanted to be part of this amazing community, and contribute anything we could to add to the sparkle it already has!

Then, one week before we moved out of our condo, a cute and cozy home popped up in our inbox from our realtor (he is the best if you are in the market for one!). We were excited, yet hesitant as it was at the top of what we were willing to pay, and we heard too many stories of homes overbidding in the area. Regardless, we went to check it out, and fell in love with it’s broken charm – it needs some inner love! Bids were taken March 1st, the same day we were officially no longer condo owners. We had our prayer warriors out there, asking them to pray for something outrageous – like for us to be the only bidder (both realtors said that likely would not happen haha). Realizing the chances of being the only bidder was more than slim, I wanted our bid to stand out from all the rest – in a non-monetary way. So I quickly drafted a “Meet the Leskiws” letter to the home owner, sharing a little bit about us, and how I already envisioned a nursery in this home for our baby on the way:

Well, our prayers we once again answered, as our bid was, miraculously, the only one and secured us our now home! We couldn’t believe it. Everything truly was working out for us! I felt like the long wait for this home (it took us a year and a half with our condo on the market before selling) and our baby was finally over and things were moving in the right direction.

Falling Apart

(Again)

Then, April 8th changed everything. There would be no baby belly on possession date. There was no more need to plan out the nursery. I felt like a liar in our Offer Letter. An imposter. I felt like that a lot after miscarrying Lyric, too. That I wasn’t actually ever pregnant – no one knew those first 12 weeks anyways. The multiple trips to emergency after a bad D&C was really the only thing that made me believe I ever was pregnant. The miscarriage made me feel like I was in some limbo group – between those who were pregnant and had healthy babies, and those who have never been pregnant. It felt silly to join in on conversations with friends who talked about pregnancy hormones, or a growing belly, or postpartum. I just didn’t fit. I wanted to say, “Me too – first trimester is rough!”. But without reaching that 9 month mark, I felt that I had not earned that “badge of honour”, because I never felt the kicks, or saw their little fingers and toes moving on an ultrasound.

Now I didn’t even care about the house. I didn’t really care about anything for those dark days that followed. (You can read more about those messy feelings in my prior post Miscarriage… it [still] really sucks.) What I had envisioned, walking in the front door, rubbing my belly, running up the stairs to map out the nursery, instantly changed. I didn’t understand – I thought this was the way it was supposed to happen!? This was the plan! What happened to the plan?! It was my plan at least… I am reminded though, in the Psalms, that sometimes we have to wait for God’s perfect plan to unfold.

“Wait for the Lord;
Be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord.”

– Psalm 27:14

Picking Up the Pieces

(And Putting Them Back Together)

Leading up to possession date, I couldn’t get excited – truly. Branton kept asking me, “Why aren’t you more excited?!”. I know I should have been. This was a huge blessing! I should be feeling an exorbitant amount of gratitude. It is my dream house, all the mess included, that we can make ours, with our own personality and character. A blank slate. Yet, I really felt like it wasn’t for sure yet. That something or someone could come along, taking it away from us. It was too good to be true. I was going to guard my heart this time around.

And then the day came. Here we were, sitting in our living room floor on a blanket, eating take out from Stella’s. It was REAL. We were HERE. In our HOME. And everything is okay – more than okay actually. I’m finally healing from surgery, (first day the bleeding stopped!), and we have each other. I seriously roll over each morning, looking at Branton, and thank God that this is my life. What an incredible life we all live. Sometimes it’s hard to see the beauty in the mess, but I love this quote we have on the bathroom wall at work:

“Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is and you’ll see them all around you.”

– Jon Bon Jovi

We’ve started some demo and plans for the renos and I am so excited to get started, and finally move our life into this home. The nursery may be put on hold, or turn into a plant/reading room (who doesn’t want one of those, right??). I’m not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I’m working through those emotions, and for now, the nursery holds a vase with tulips from the same bunch placed at the St. Boniface Monument where our angel babies lay. That feels right, for now.

I also have to believe that we are that much more grateful for this home, and also will be the day we welcome our baby home here on earth.

“That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly.
It is dearness only which gives everything its value.
Heaven knows how to put a proper price on its goods.”

– Thomas Paine

What are some of your bittersweet moments post miscarriage? I found it was hard to allow myself to smile or find joy in things through the early pain as it felt I was moving on and forgetting our baby. Have you had similar feelings? What are some coping mechanisms you’ve found to help?