Our Wonderfully Made

My baby is no longer a baby. We now are proud parents of a toddler. Whaaaaatttt?!?! Orlo turned one year old on the eve of July, and I’m mind blown, comprehending how the baby I birthed, is the same crazy little boy I put to bed tonight.

As I sit here in a coffee shop, processing the last year, I’m brought back in time to such a clear memory of a similar setting, on a Spring day, three years ago. Just one month after losing our first pregnancy (our angel baby named Lyric), I found myself in these same surroundings. Bright daylight streamed in through the large glass windows, and although I was hurting deeply, I was sold on hope from my never ending stream of hope + love pouring in from my husband. Then too, I was processing the best way I know how: writing.  I remember writing through tears, when a smile formed as I envisioned the day we would have a little toddler running around the house, making a mess, being loud, and how Branton and I would laugh together as a family. This was the hope and vision I held so tight, refusing to let my grasp go.

“Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage; 
wait for the Lord!“
Psalm 27:14 (ESV)

And here I am, back in the comfort of a coffee shop, evening light streaming in with the white noise chatter of a dozen other people sharing their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their heartache. Tears are welling as I smile. You see, just one hour prior, I left the house after putting a toddler to bed. After sitting in our living room, toys scattered over and under every nook and cranny you can imagine. Room filled with toddler giggles, as Branton and I shared laughs watching this goofy little boy running around in his diaper, pushing bath time back once again.

At times it can be a very out-of-body experience to live out your dream. Just as I could imagine how someone must feel after publishing their first book after years of writing, hoping, nearly giving up I’m sure, second guessing, hoping, dreaming again… and then to see it sitting on a shelf at the local bookstore. Or the emotions a business owner must experience when the first guest walks through the front doors once the actuality of a business plan leaps into real life, after bank meetings, construction delays, late night planning sessions, overcoming financial fear, and all that the rollercoaster of life brings.

For me, giving birth and raising my son is that “pinch me” reality. Not to say it’s all rainbows and unicorns every day. Just as that business owner or that author doesn’t have clear sailing the moment the doors open or the book is published. It’s pretty much a guarantee they are going to have new stresses and unexpected problems arise which they will need to navigate.

As is the same in motherhood. The book is not closed once baby arrives! My goodness, the ride just gets crazier! As I journey through motherhood, it’s bound to get a little nuttier, with hoops and obstacles I can’t even imagine sitting here today.

With one year under my belt (and many years of lessons through a different lens of motherhood), these are some truths and lessons I’m reflecting on:

1. I’m so proud of the mother I am becoming.

Whew! Am I allowed to believe that?

It took me a long time to verbalize this one. For a while, when someone would encourage me as a new mom, I would quickly say something along the lines of, “Oh, but I don’t know what I’m doing,” Or, “I’m not doing enough.” Or, “Well so-and-so is doing xyz while raising her baby, and I’m just being a mom.” This held me up a lot, actually. It’s exhausting getting through the day as a mama some days, never mind overcoming the weight of negative self talk.

The truth is, I am proud of who I am for my son. Do I have moments when I lose my cool? Umm… yah! Have I forgot to pack diapers before leaving for an outing? Sure. Have I missed a buckle on his car seat driving during a cold winter day? Regrettably so.

It’s so easy to look at the times you’re not proud of, totally disregarding all that you do well as a mom. I have danced my heart out just for one tiny smirk turned giggle. I’ve strapped him in the baby carrier, grabbed an umbrella, and walked in the rain just to see his eyes light up in excitement. I’ve slept on the edge of the bed more nights than I can count, while he sleeps like a king. 😅 I’ve literally kept him alive with the nourishment from my breasts, on demand, around the clock.

But more importantly…

I’ve prayed for and over him.

I’ve done/am doing my best to model what love and service looks like.

I listen to him.

I’ve called a sister when on the brink of breaking down, to come and be with us.

I’ve accepted support.

I’ve apologized to him when I do screw up.

I’ve cried. A lot.

I’m understanding the need for dates with my husband and with myself.

I could go on and on – and so could you! I believe one of the best things I can do for him is to believe I am a good mom, while striving to still sharpen the saw.

2. Accept help. Ask for help.

People actually want to help. Let them!

We were blessed with meals organized by my sister, made by family and friends, for the first two weeks of Orlo’s life, and I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I was for each meal.

This was something I actually asked my sister before I gave birth, to organize for us. For weeks, I went back and forth on whether I should ask her to do this or not. It felt so selfish to ask her to ask others to make us meals. Yet I know that when I did, she was MORE than willing to do it! She was grateful I asked, even! She wanted to help, and was thankful to do so in a practical way she may not have considered.

I’ve made meals for new mamas, and I can tell you from experience, I truly find it a gift to do so. It blesses me to be able to bless others in this practical way. I think this is why asking my sister for this type of support was hard, but came more naturally.

It’s taken me much longer to learn to ask for help with Orlo when my mental health needs a break. I’m learning more and more to ask and then accept help before I’m running on empty. I’m realizing these signs before breakdown, and asking someone I trust for support as these signs show up.

“Whoever brings blessing will be enriched,
and the one who waters will himself be watered.”
Proverbs 11:25 (ESV)

3. You prioritize your family when your prioritize your mental health.

You can’t pour from an empty cup. I am all for serving others, and personally think our culture has taken the self-care idea too far, sometimes to the point of narcissism. However, you truly can’t be there for your family and others if you’re exhausted and burnt out.

For me, getting out for a run, taking a bath, writing, spending time in the Bible, cooking (alone) in the kitchen, meeting up with friends, taking a yoga class, studying new things, are ways I recharge. This looks different for everyone, of course. Whatever it is, I encourage you to make time for it. This is so important. Even when you feel too overwhelmed with the to-do list (yes, everyone has one, and no one has it 100% checked off all the time!), stop. Do whatever it is that brings you joy, gives you peace, lights you up. You will be better for it, and in turn will have more energy and heart to pour back into those around you.

4. This too shall pass.

Some days have been, and are going to be, really hard. Whether it’s teething, sleepless nights, a new leap in development… it all passes. Nothing lasts forever.

Sleepless nights while teething for weeks felt like an eternity that would never pass, yet it always did. I’m writing this in the throes of a sleep regression, going on week two that feels like forever, and I’m holding onto this truth! Eventually he will sleep again (and so will I! 🙈).

This gives me even more reason for my next point…

5. Soak it all up. Celebrate! Practice JOY!

You guys, life is so short. So fleeting. So unpredictable. Soak in those good days. Put the dishes aside for a night and sit outside a little longer after dinner. Take time as a family. Spend some of your weekends having fun vs always checking off the home reno list.

Be okay with telling your husband “Today was a great day.” For the first three weeks of this new motherhood, Branton and I fell trap to the martyr syndrome. Who had the worse day? Who had it harder? It’s like we were fighting for the trophy of last place. We forgot that we are a team. We forgot to cheer each other on. No one was winning in this kind of match.

Seems silly thinking back on it now, that we would want to have title of the worse day. 😆 But we did! Life is better when I can burst about all the fun we had that day, excitedly sharing where we went, what Orlo saw or did, while also hearing about the good in his day.

Of course there are, and will be, those days that are actual total shit, and I find myself counting down the minutes until he gets home. Or days when he feels like he lost too. All the more reason to cherish the good, and be truly present in those moments! To celebrate the big and small moments, from banging blocks to taking first steps.

One of the big ways we celebrated this year was hosting a birthday bash for our little man, with close family and friends in the backyard.

Our vision was something small and intimate, an opportunity to celebrate answered prayers and honour a special little boy.

Orlo’s 1st Birthday Party!

Below are some photos from Orlo’s 1st Birthday Party! Thanks to my soon to be sister-in-law for capturing these moments for us!

This is the first cake I have ever made! I was determined to make Orlo his 1st Birthday cake, and made it gluten and dairy free. I misread the recipe the night before, adding six TABLESPOONS vs TEASPOONS of baking powder for the cake and cupcake batter. 🙈 I remade the cupcakes, but Orlo was left with one soapy tasting cake. 😅 Sorry little bud! Will have to try again next year. ☺️♥️

What would a party be without chia parfaits?? 😋

My talented little sis made these gluten and dairy free rainbow sugar cookies for Orlo’s special day!

For the older kiddos, our way to gift them a party favour to take home, was to host an interactive craft. Each kid had an empty hanging basket ready for them to fill with soil, and herbs of their choice (such as basil, thyme, parsley).

My mother-in-law put together the craft, complete with “shrinky dink” art! She had birds for the kids to colour, and then shrunk their art in the toaster oven to become hardened plastic to add to a plant decoration with a rainbow for their special pot!

She went above and beyond and had even sewn each kiddo their very own apron!

I feel so incredibly lucky to have had this moment. Singing Happy Birthday to our little boy, while bringing him his first cake, with family and friends surrounding, still feels like a movie. I’m so grateful!!

Will be so cool to look back on these photos as Orlo grows up, and witness his little friends grow up alongside him! Such special memories.

Life is full of unexpected plot twists. Some we welcome, some we curse. I’m learning more and more that life is about the journey through the story: how we choose to react, how we engage with others, how we engage with ourselves. Life happens while we wait. Wait for the future. Wait for our dreams. Curse our struggles. Isn’t that the whole point of a story? To learn, to share, to engage, through all the plot twists and turns?

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude as to how our journey is unfolding, and could not be happier to continue and share in our journey with this special little boy. 

Here’s to making many more memories, overcoming new challenges, and growing together!

XO,

Kayla