Our Wonderfully Made

I was in total shock. For months, I thought I knew the gender of our baby. I was even addressing my belly in that fashion – definitely leaning towards one over the other. Branton kept telling me, “It’s 50/50, I don’t know why you feel so certain!”. Regardless, in my mind, it was 95% chance one way over the other. A few times when talking about the baby, I would refer to the baby in one gender, and friends would say, “Oh! I didn’t know you found out already!”. Then, catching myself, I’d have to say well we don’t actually know for certain, it’s just a feeling I have. Anyways, I’ll share with you the real gender, and not just the one made up in my head haha.

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Branton and I had an appointment three weeks ago with Prenatal Peek, being just shy of 17 weeks, for a gender ultrasound. Leading up to our appointment, close friends and family would continually ask us if we were excited for our appointment. It was really odd, as both Branton and I privately talked about how we weren’t truly excited. What I was expecting – that giddy feeling where you can barely sleep the night before as you are in so much anticipation of the big event – simply was not there. I mean, I really WANTED to be excited! Why wouldn’t I be excited? Another opportunity to see our baby, and hopes of finding a deeper connection with baby once we knew the gender (and I could more confidently use the appropriate gender title).

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Pregnancy after loss can do that to you, I suppose. Cutting through to the heart of it, we were nervous. I think we will likely always be nervous before an ultrasound, as we know all too well that there are no guarantees. We know that with every ultrasound, can come a new truth. The truth you desperately hope for – a healthy baby, heart beating – or the truth you intimately fear. The fear of what we have experienced twice before in the ultrasound room. The room of truth.

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Driving to the appointment that day, we didn’t say much to eachother. You could feel the hopes, fears, unanswered questions, all muddled together, hanging in the air. To be honest, I wasn’t even thinking, “Oh, will it be a boy or girl?!” My mind was numb, on auto-pilot, not wanting to go there, as I knew with that, other thoughts would come along for the ride too.

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We arrived at the appointment, and parked the truck. As we do before each prenatal appointment, I asked Branton to say a little prayer for our babe. Closing my eyes, with the bright mid-day winter sun beaming in through the window, bouncing off the snow, Branton prayed for our little one. He prayed that God would watch over our baby and keep him/her healthy. He prayed thanksgiving over every bit of this baby, moving and growing within me. Opening my eyes, tears brimming, I felt frozen. I told Branton in a soft voice that I was scared. I was scared of losing our precious little baby. I was scared of what I’ve experienced too many times before. I couldn’t move, and quietly contemplated leaving before our appointment even started. If the truth was something I feared, then I wasn’t ready to know. I wanted just a little more time with this little one. I was so grateful for every minute already shared with this beautiful baby. With Branton’s support, I pulled myself together, and holding back the tears from falling, we stepped out of the truck and went inside.

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We met Tracey, owner of Prenatal Peek, in the front entrance. She was bright-eyed and bubbly, showing us to the room where the ultrasound would take place. Getting ready to start the exam, the three of us made small chat. Within seconds of placing the probe on my belly, Tracey excitedly said she could see the gender of our baby clearly already. I wasn’t listening to her however, I was staring at the screen, tight jawed, and wide-eyed with nerves. I cut her off, and blurted out, “Is there a heartbeat?!?”. Branton looked me bewildered, saying, “Babe, the baby is moving, of course there is a heartbeat!” I could see little baby moving but my mind was not catching up with my eyes. I was clearly looking like a train wreck, as bubbly Tracey slowed down, sensing my nerves and said, “Okay, why don’t we take a step back and start with the heartbeat? We’ll look at the baby’s whole body, and then move on to the gender.” That felt much better to me.

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The minute she took audio of the heartbeat, with the heartbeat monitor showing on the screen, I burst into tears. I could have got up off the table in that moment, feeling complete with our appointment. Tracey asked if I’ve had any bad experiences prior. We shared together the heartbreak of miscarriage, and the residual fear there is to work through with each subsequent pregnancy. She was so understanding, her eyes too, glimmering with a tear.

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From there, she showed us baby moving arms and legs, waving hello. So cute! She pointed out the head, cute little button nose, arms, heart and stomach (amazing!!). From there we took a peek at the itty bitty knees and legs, and saw a third little appendage in between…

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I couldn’t believe it! For whatever reason, I had felt so strongly that this was a little girl. I’ve called our baby my little girl for months now, even getting my mom on board about her “little granddaughter on the way”. I already envisioned a little girl playing in the water at the cabin, to growing up as a teenager, helping her through all the crazy beautiful stages of womanhood. Branton was thrilled – beaming really haha. Not that he was hoping either way (we were simply enamored with the idea of a baby regardless of boy or girl!). It was more so that it made it feel that more real… there is a baby BOY growing inside me! This is the craziest, most peculiar, wonderful thing imaginable. A little life, growing each day. It is simply beautiful.

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Personally, I’m so glad we found out the gender. It not only made it feel that much more real, but considering it already took me a few days to come to terms that there is a little boy swimming around in there, and not a girl, I’m grateful for more time to wrap my head around the idea. I’m so thrilled to bring a boy into the world, the Lord willing. (It’s also been fun picking out teeny tiny boy outfits! 😉 There is some concern that my heart may just explode at the sight of Branton raising our little boy, as I know he will be the BEST DAD in the world. This boy has no clue he won the lottery of Dads. I’m smiling so big in this moment, as I picture our little family – just me and my boys.

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XO,

Kayla