How Anxiety Over Breastfeeding Turned Into a Freezer Full of Breastmilk
What if I can’t breastfeed? What if my milk doesn’t come in? I have small boobs, how will I be able to produce enough milk for my baby?
These are questions I pondered upon and asked myself for years before ever becoming pregnant. My obsession with breastfeeding my own baby started before my struggle-turned obsession with fertility began. I’m not sure why, really. Why did breastfeeding, from all the list of things to concern oneself with, took front of mind?
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Out of My Control
My friends started having kids (before us, and if you’ve followed our journey this far, you’d know breastfeeding was the least of my concerns for quite a while!), so naturally, conversation came up more frequently around the topic of breastfeeding and mamas milk. Would I choose to breastfeed? My response was always a hesitant “oh heck, yes!”. The hesitation came in as I was learning more and more there are just some mysteries in life that you can’t control or figure out no matter how damn well hard you try. Did I want kids? Oh heck, yes! Was I trying everything I could to have kids? Ummm… yah! Was it happening for us? Definitely not.
So, I was sensitive to the fact that hey, breastfeeding wouldn’t be a guarantee either. That didn’t mean I couldn’t try, and do my best to learn and understand the art of breastfeeding before Orlo’s birth, to give it my best shot, however.
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Operation Preparation
Starting with books not specific to breastfeeding, but more so on connecting with babe before and after birth, and being more connected with myself as an individual, I began searching and learning. (I’ll share my top book recommendations at the end of this post!) It was important for me to know that Orlo would be put on my chest immediately after birth. It was also important that I trusted my care providers to know how badly I DID want to breastfeed. That I welcomed their support, and would gratefully accept any and all lessons they could give me.
I stocked up on nipple cream, assuming I would need it for the weeks of cracked and bleeding nipples I had read about and heard stories from by fellow mamas (spoiler alert: those creams are still sealed, never to be used). I had a few boxes of disposable breast pads and stacks of reusable breast pads piled up, ready to go. The name of lactation consultants were in my notepad, in case of emergency.
With all that noise in the background however, I remember talking to Orlo in the womb, and telling him how much he would love breastfeeding. That mama was going to feed him, and how yummy it would be for him. I envisioned breastfeeding him, and could see myself sitting in my nursing chair… nursing. All the while also telling him that if it didn’t work for whatever reason, mama was going to look after him and his belly. He was safe, and it was okay.
Nothing can truly prepare you for the marvel of birth and feeding your baby. Forever thankful and in awe, the moment Orlo came into the world and was put on my chest, he latched. He just knew. It AMAZES me how they know. Is it not mind boggling that this being, who has been swimming in amniotic fluid for nine months, being fed through his belly button (?!), suddenly comes into a whole new world and knows how to drink and where his food is coming from?? He knows to crawl up on mamas chest, using his senses in this new world to smell, touch, and feel for nourishment.
It is especially in these moments that I witness God’s incredible creativity and am speechless in awe at how beautiful he has created us, and this world. That out of the billions of people on this planet, not one of us looks alike?? Okay unless you’re an identical twin, which don’t even get me started on how crazy THAT is! How can there be so many different versions of a being that all share the commonality of two arms, two legs, and a head? Okay, side tracked, but WOW. God is so cool.
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People, Places, & Things: Breastfeeding Support
We were blessed with a caring doctor who showed me how to breastfeed, even coming back the day after Orlo’s birth to check in on how breastfeeding was going. We had the most soft and kind hearted nurse in our after birth care, who let me buzz her in a million times those first two nights, answering all my questions. She was the first one to tell me it was NORMAL for Orlo to eat every 20-30 minutes (I now understand the term cluster feeding in a whole new way 😅), when I thought I simply must be doing it wrong, and already failing at this whole motherhood thing.
People were placed on our path for a purpose, and started our breastfeeding journey off to a great start. I’m so grateful for those integral pieces to the puzzle, because again, I’ve also been on the flip side of horrible care going through our miscarriages and subsequent D&C’s. Another blessing, which is unfortunately simply not a guarantee in our health care system.
Orlo started having a hard time feeding from my right side a few weeks in, which made me panic. Would my right breast just dry up? If it did, could I sustain exclusive breastfeeding with the left? Branton and I decided to go see a lactation consultant, and after spending an hour there, going through everything we were already trying, it finally clicked. I stopped using my breast pillow a week prior, right when he stopped feeding well. He must have not felt as comfortable as I’m stronger holding him in my left arm than my right, and the pillow was giving him that added support. The lactation consultant also gave me one integral piece of advice: be persistent. She coached me to give him the “bad” side first every time. Even if he was fussy and I wanted to go to the “good” breast first to make it easier.
So, that’s what we did. Started back up using the breast pillow and consistently gave him the weaker side every single time. It took over a month of doing this to finally now be somewhat levelled out. (Actually, this same “bad” breast, is the overachiever now! 😆 Like many situations in life, sometimes a “failure” just needs the right direction, along with some love and care!)
The first three months are pretty critical for establishing your milk supply. For myself, it was important to amp it up, as I always had this concern of not being able to breastfeed, or breastfeed as long as I’d like. I drank all the mama tea (which by the way, I’ve tried a few that simply didn’t work, and this one is the real deal!!! I don’t know if they just use a ton of fenugreek or what 😅, but it works and is also quite enjoyable). Nutritionally, I ensured I was drinking a ton of water, eating foods rich in fibre, adding flaxseeds to my morning buckwheat (oats would have been a great source however I’m allergic to oats 🙃), and choosing fruits and veggies as a go-to (and maybe a handful of energy balls 😍).
Breast Pump to the Rescue
Six weeks postpartum, I took this intimidating contraption of tubing, pump parts, bottles, and the rest, and decided to figure it out (I’m not sure why I was sooo intimidated by it, as it’s actually the easiest thing ever to use). I’m so happy to have the Medela Sonata, as now looking back, I can’t imagine using anything else (especially hand pumping!).
My main goal for pumping was to keep up, and establish a strong milk supply. So, every single morning, I would wake up, feed Orlo, and then pump for 10-15 minutes. Thank goodness for the double pump! The Sonata has two settings: stimulation and expression mode. If you let the pump do it’s thing automatically, it will start out in stimulation mode and then switch to expression mode, to mimic a baby on the breast. As my goal was to increase supply, I would double up on the stimulation mode, before letting it switch to expression. Often for the first five minutes I’d have close to no milk – maybe only 0.5 – 1 ounce, and then other times it would start filling up the bottle almost immediately. As my right side was my weaker side, I would always continue pumping just my right side longer than my left side, in hopes of evening out my supply (and dealing with lopsided boobs!). At first, my left side would produce 4 – 6 ounces a session, and my right closer to 1 – 2 ounces.
Frozen Breastmilk Donations
After months of disciplined daily pumping, I ended up with quite the freezer stash. This also lessened my anxiety, as I would keep thinking that if for whatever reason my milk stopped coming in, I’d have backup supply to feed Orlo. It became a secret security blanket of mine, seeing the freezer get fuller and fuller of little bags of milk. As months went by, I started to feel like a hoarder. It became such a fail safe to me, and I felt God calling me to trust Him, and let go. How horrible would it be to continue hoarding this stash I really wasn’t using, only to end up throwing it away come expiry? Was there a baby out there that could benefit from this milk, while I hid it away?
I considered donating to a milk bank, when a friend suggested I first reach out to my community online, to see if a mom was in need who wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable going to a milk bank. With the milk bank, they would do blood work, and may require a minimum donation (I did not look further into this at the time). Feeling a little vulnerable, and nervous I’d come across the wrong way, or inadvertently hurt a mama struggling with breastfeeding while posting my hidden oasis, it took me a while before I shared. This year I have challenged myself to be BOLD however, and so, a few weeks ago I opened the door to my hideaway and shared it with my people. I was so encouraged and humbled by the replies. Women from all over reaches out, some even asking if I’d ship across the border to the States. Ultimately the milk ended up with three local mamas here in Winnipeg. Throughout this process I did learn of a few more conventional methods of donating. Whether you’re a mama in need, or one with an over supply, I’ve shared a list at the end of this post for those local to Winnipeg.
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What’s Best for Mama is Best for Babe
Fully aware I may have not NEEDED to pump each morning consistently, it calmed my anxiety over breastfeeding and milk supply, and ultimately that was the biggest benefit for me. I fully believe that a happy and healthy mama (letting go of that stress!), makes for a healthy and happy babe.
Thinking back to my pregnancy, I recall Branton being nervous about the amount of times I would use the Doppler to find Orlo’s heartbeat, concerned it wasn’t good for the baby. When talking with my doctor, who knows our history of infertility and recurrent miscarriage, he reassured me that whatever was best for mama’s emotional and mental well-being, was best for the babe. The stress of me worrying over a heartbeat and not using the Doppler, could have been worse than just using the Doppler. Every mama’s journey is so unique, and there is not always a one size fits all solution. Would it have been best to not have worry or stress about the heartbeat and not use the Doppler? Yeah, likely! But that wasn’t our reality, based on our personal journey.
So, I take this same token of advice through to breastfeeding (and many other areas of motherhood), too. Maybe you’re in the middle of trying everything you can to breastfeed your baby, and it’s not working, despite the number of visits to lactation consultants, or diet changes, or position changes. Maybe it’s stressing you out and creating emotional turmoil (oh thanks for joining the party also, #postpartumhormones !). There could be a myriad of reasons why you feed your baby the way you do. Whether it’s exclusively breastfeeding, pumping and bottle feeding, mixing up breastfeeding and formula, or straight formula. #FedIsBest and your health is critical to the health of your baby.
Of course there are so many benefits of breastfeeding, and most of them outweigh the formula on the market today (although we have come a long way with some of today’s options!). However, I was encouraged while reading “Let Them Eat Dirt” written by Dr. B Brett Finlay & Dr. Marie-Claire Arietta, that for those mamas who do formula feed, it has been shown that by choosing a formula with probiotics (or further supplementing with probiotic drops), an infant’s microbiota becomes more similar to that of breastfed babies, lowering their risk of developing obesity and asthma. This also brings formula closer to breastmilk by improving stool consistency and frequency. (Let Them Eat Dirt, Chapter 5: Breast Milk: Liquid Gold, page 81)
We live in a time with more and more research delving deeper into the unknowns, giving us tools to make informed decisions.
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Alllll About that Mama Guilt
Chatting with a new mama friend (of twins!), we were on the topic of feeding our babies, and she said, “I’m not breastfeeding my babies, please don’t judge.” It broke my heart that she felt the need to add, “please don’t judge”. We create enough mama guilt all on our own for things most people wouldn’t think twice about, and we definitely don’t need to add other mom shaming on top of that. It seems sometimes there is no right way to do things. I’ve felt guilty for a smooth breastfeeding journey even, when a mama who is struggling asks me how our breastfeeding journey is going. Motherhood (and the journey to motherhood) truly takes a village. It’s our duty to let go of the mom shaming and the mom guilt and simply be there for each other. Listen to one another when we just need some reassurance that we are giving our kids enough attention. Or that it’s okay your house is covered in laundry and dirty dishes. Make a meal for that mama who hasn’t slept more than three hours a night for weeks on end. Hold a baby so she can hop in the shower. Respect her decisions, as every babe and mama are unique, and therefore what’s best for their family may be different than what’s best for yours. And by all means, chill out whether she whips a boob or bottle out on your next play date.
XO,
Kayla
Pssst! Here is a listing of a few favourite books for pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, along with place to donate milk in Winnipeg!
Book List
The Mama Natural Week-by-Week Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth by Genevieve Howland
The Birth Partner: Everything You Need to Know to Help a Woman Through Childbirth by Penny Simkin (Branton read this one – ask your birthing partner to read it!)
Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
Milk Donation
Northern Star Mothers Milk Bank
Human Milk 4 Human Babies – Manitoba Facebook page
Winnipeg Birth Centre (through Northern Star Mothers Milk Bank)
Ask your doula! They can often connect mamas. ♥️
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