Our Wonderfully Made

We are beyond thrilled to announce we are pregnant once again, with our rainbow baby! For those of you wondering why we keep calling this babe, “Rainbow Leskiw”, or “Rainbow Baby’ – no, we are not intending on naming baby, Rainbow. A “rainbow baby” is a baby born after the loss of a previous baby (through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death). A rainbow typically follows a storm, and symbolizes hope of what’s to come. Rainbows have been a symbol of protection ever since God gave Noah this sign after the great flood, in the form of a rainbow. So, we endearingly call this baby our rainbow, and every time the intense fear pregnancy after loss tends to bring, I remind myself of the hope to come, and His great protection over this child.

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As we grow further and further into this pregnancy (17 weeks as I write this!), many of those following our journey, have been curious as to what makes this time around different. How did we conceive? Did we do something different that we have not miscarried yet? What’s it like to go through pregnancy after recurrent loss? It has been a wild ride, and as someone who doesn’t believe in “coincidence”, I have opened my eyes to God’s hand time and time again carrying us through, watching over this child. But oh, where to begin, what to share…? Perhaps I can start where we last left off (after taking a first trimester hiatus from writing here!), at the end of my last post, October Has My Heart, where I left off that we were hopeful from a new diagnosis (which we found out about only a week prior to writing that post). I’ve learnt a lot through that discovery, however more so, as it usually seems to be, from the journey that led us there. I thought I already learnt this lesson, however apparently I needed to learn all over again, that is, the importance of being an ADVOCATE for yourself, especially when it comes to your health.

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“Please fight for me.”

I believe the people we have on our path – in our lives – are not there by happenstance. I believe we are all knit together, to help one another in this crazy beautiful life. We make daily choices whether to engage, invest, or ignore those on our path. Sometimes the people in our lives say something that makes our ears perk up, or we wonder why at that time, in that moment, we chose engagement, and why, in that engaged moment, a topic came up, or perhaps even a realization. My first “coincidence” story in Rainbow Leskiw’s life, involves one of those engagements, with some new friends put on my path through this journey.

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As I’ve mentioned in my post, Miscarriage.. [it still really sucks], last October I joined a small, intimate group called Inconceivable, a yoga series for women struggling with infertility. The wonderful Rachelle Taylor of Prairie Yogi started this series while facing her own struggles with infertility. This group of women have been an amazing support through trying to conceive after Lyric, becoming pregnant with, and losing Lael, grieving my babies, and again supporting us through this pregnancy. Two of the women in our group, had been talking about how they have seen/were scheduled to see an endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in the endocrine system, all about those hormones). As my cycles have been so long and irregular, these friends suggested this doctor would be a good person to meet, to determine if she could help me. Having felt as if I’ve exhausted all other options to date, I thought why the heck not!

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I met with my GP a week later, and had asked to see this particular doctor. Thankfully, my doctor is very willing to support with any tests or referrals I request (she is my third doctor in three years – but that’s a whole other story). Anyways, the next day I received a phone call from my GP’s office, informing me that this doctor is no longer accepting referrals. My heart sunk, as I felt I had one more string possibly tying me to discovering what has gone wrong with our pregnancies. Deflated, I reached out to the Inconceivable girls through our private page, asking them if they knew of ANYONE else in the field I could see, or who they would recommend. A reply from one of the ladies who initially encouraged me to seek out this doctor, pushed back, saying she just had a referral from her doctor and received the forms the next day to fill out. It seemed odd that she would be the last patient randomly to be accepted?

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I told her I’m not another name on a list to check off and call back. I told her I’m a woman who has lost three babies, and is desperate to find support, hopeful for answers.

So, with new gusto in my wings, I decided to call my GP’s office back, and push harder. Upon the other line being answered, I took a deep breath and explained to the receptionist my recent findings. I also paused, and then briefly told her my story. I told her I’m not another name on a list to check off and call back. I told her I’m a woman who has lost three babies, and is desperate to find support, hopeful for answers. I told her that this part of my puzzle was now in her hands, as I could not call for a referral myself. I asked her to go back, and please fight for me. She seemed sympathetic (or stunned, or perhaps just didn’t want me to call back again…), and within five minutes I received a call back, explaining there was an error, and this doctor was in fact accepting new patients. I was frustratingly thrilled. 🙂

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Within two more days, I received sheets of full blood-work in the mail, upon the request of this new doctor, and an appointment date scheduled for the next week. Amazing! I still have no idea how or why I got in so quickly, as my friend who pushed me to call back, was not even scheduled in until weeks after I was, even though she had clearly called in sooner than I. Two weeks may seem like no big deal in the grand scheme of our four year journey, but as I explain further, you will see it was not only weeks – but days – that meant everything for us and our rainbow…

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Hashimotos & Hypothyroidism

Eager to meet with this new endocrinologist, I quickly went for the blood-work as requested, and found myself sitting in her office just a week later. As I scanned around the room, I was surprised to see nutrition articles clipped out and framed, scattered on the walls. I also noticed, what woud be expected, dozens of encyclopedia-like books titled, “Endocrinology I”, “Endocrinology II”, etc.

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As I was taking it all in, this petite, thin, and spunky women in a white coat bolted in. She quickly shook my hand, introduced herself, and within 30 seconds looked me in the eye and said, “Well, you have Hashimotos and Hypothyroidism.” My hand was mid-air, barely out of our handshake, as I looked at her stunned. She saw my face, and moving a mile a minute, started explaining what the diagnosis – this particular auto-immune disorder – meant. I stopped her, saying, “I’m not shocked at what this means, I am shocked because I brought this to my doctor two years ago and was dismissed, told that my thyroid levels were “sluggish”, but just fine.”

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I clearly remember years prior, pouring over research articles, and anything the Mayo Clinic had to offer online, that came close to the symptoms I was having regarding our infertility and my hormonal imbalances. She kept talking, and I could see her lips moving, but I couldn’t take in anything she was telling me. Posts, articles, diagrams, everything I had researched and put in the back of my mind after being told this was not the case for me, came spinning to the front like flashing newspaper headlines.

• Cold Intolerance
• Irregular Cycles
• Food Intolerance
• Bloating
• Fatigue
• Infertility
• Miscarriage

These “symptoms” had been focus points in my life for the last few years, as I have gone into a deep dive of my health. Learning from my Naturopath and blood tests what my food intolerances are, after years of stomach pain and INTENSE bloating (i.e. looking more pregnant than I do today). Cutting out high sensitivity foods, re-establishing our cooking and eating habits. Cleaning out all toxins from our home – from dish detergent to makeup. Going for acupuncture and reflexology to regulate my crazy cycles (re: 60 – 75 days long, until we were able to bring them to 42 days). Taking supplements to help with my PCOS.

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My eyes were burning hot with tears as I was SO frustrated at the “system” failing me. I was so frustrated, learning that thyroid disorders, especially Hashimotos disease, left untreated, increases your risk of miscarriage almost three-fold.

She continued spewing facts and figures, and explained that left untreated, this disease can lead to early on-set dementia and heart disease. This was now not only about fertility and monthly cycles – this was about my general health. This was serious. I looked up at her, re-focusing on our two-way conversation, and asked her how this could have possibly been missed for so many years, even after I addressed this possibility head on with my doctor in the past. She very bluntly told me that the majority of doctors in Canada are using out of date blood work ranges, therefore missing some major markers, and frankly, aren’t listening to their patients (did I mention she is extremely political and upfront? ha). She looked into my past blood-work, and told me I’ve had this condition for years, and it was simply continually missed as my doctors did not know enough about the endocrine system. My TSH levels were hovering around 2.50 to 3.00 for years – within the 0.35 to 5.00 “normal range” my GP’s were looking at. She told me that my TSH levels should be within 0.35 to 1.50, and anything above or below is a signal something is not right. She asked if I have any food intolerance or allergies, bloating, cold intolerances, irregular cycles – all to which I answered a strong YES!

[Disclaimer: this information was given to me also in conjunction with thyroid antibodies testing, and a full hormonal panel. This was my truth, but in no way am I a doctor or advising for anyone else. What I can suggest is, that if you feel something is off, or your TSH levels are questionable - to ask questions and not give up until you are taken seriously and feel confident in the answers you receive.]

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My eyes were burning hot with tears as I was SO frustrated at the “system” failing me. I was so frustrated, learning that thyroid disorders, especially Hashimotos disease, left untreated, increases your risk of miscarriage almost three-fold. Upset, that sources such as Womens Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, has this right on their website:

Untreated or poorly treated hypothyroidism can lead to problems during pregnancy, such as:

• Preeclampsia
• Anemia
• Miscarriage
• Placental abruption
• Postpartum bleeding

It also can lead to serious problems for your baby, such as:

• Premature birth
• Low birth weight
• Stillbirth
• Birth defects
• Thyroid problems

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She slowed her mile-a-minute diatribe, and paused, grabbing my hand. She said, “Don’t worry, we got this.” For some reason, I trusted that she was on it. That she actually did care, and was clearly extremely passionate about women’s hormones and the endocrine system. This doctor seemed like she not only took on a challenge, but welcomed it. I asked her, as I was already mid-cycle, if we should not try to conceive this month, until we had this figured out. The last thing I wanted was to find myself in another surgery room for a D&C, losing another baby. She confidently repeated herself, “Don’t worry, we got this.” She explained that she felt we could get this under control with the help of Synthroid (thyroid hormone medication), and that if we were lucky enough to become pregnant, she would monitor me even more closely once that day came.

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I left her office feeling a mix of emotions – hopeful, once again, that perhaps this saga of infertility and miscarriage could come to an end, as well as both exhausted and fired up at this missed diagnosis. I started thinking back, wondering if having this knowledge would have meant a different story for Lyric, a different story for Lael. Could their loses have been avoided, or was that totally unrelated? I don’t let myself go down that rabbit hole however, as I do believe things happen as they are meant to be. As badly as I wish for them to be with us today, I know they are exactly where they are meant to be, and we are who we are today because of them.

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Packing a Suitcase Full of Emotional Meltdowns

Just two and a half weeks after my initial appointment with my new endocrinologist, I found myself packing up for BC, a trip I booked just days after my October 1st meltdown – yearning for some R&R with some of my favourite family and friends. For days leading up to my departure date, I felt like an emotional roller coaster. My period was “late” (remember, I have irregular cycles, so I can never go off that 100%), I had taken one blood test, and four at home pregnancy tests in the last week that all came back negative, and all I wanted was for this cycle to be over, so we could try all over again for another cycle. I was having trouble sleeping (probably from anxiety over everything), felt more fatigue than before going on Synthroid, and felt extremely emotional.

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My plane left in two and a half hours, and I was sitting on my bed, surrounded by clothes and an empty suitcase, crying out in confusion and frustration. Branton came in to check on the situation, and I vented to him that this Synthroid medication has done nothing but make everything worse. That it’s the only thing I changed since my last cycle, and now my cycles were thrown off again, I was so SO tired, and all I wanted was for this cycle to end. I asked him to pray with me that this cycle would be over, that we could start fresh (hysterical times don’t always call for meaningful prayers). Someone, he helped me put myself back together, start and finish packing, and head out to the airport.

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On the plane I was able to calm down in the best way I know how – learning more about Hashimotos, Hypothyroidism, and Synthroid, to gain some knowledge and confidence. Thankfully I was sitting alone in my row, as it was a night time flight, and I had the reading lamp on the entire three hour flight to Vancouver, jotting down notes, engrossed in a book I highly recommend if you have a thyroid disorder, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, Root Cause – by Dr. Izabella Wentz. I barely felt the plane land on the wet pavement.

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My wonderful cousin drove in from Abbotsford to pick me up, and take me back to their home where I’d be spending the next few days. Poor guy, got a whole earful all about the women’s body, thyroid disorders, our medical system, and more (sorry Tyson!). Tiring myself out on the hour drive back “home”, I quickly fell asleep that night in their guestroom.

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“What?? Are… are you sure? What are my levels? Are you sure the test is for Kayla Leskiw? L-E-S-K-I-W?”

The next day, after hanging out with my cousin’s wife, and their two incredibly adorable little guys, Tyson came home for a lunch break, while his wife and littlest one were taking a nap. As we were chatting in the living room, with some sun finally peeking through the cloudy skies, I saw my doctor’s office calling. Pausing my story, I took the call. “Hi Kayla, this is Myra from XY Doctor’s Office. Your blood test came back and it’s positive. Your HCG levels are 380.” Stunned, breaking out into a quick full sweat, I replied, “What?? Are… are you sure? What are my levels? Are you sure the test is for Kayla Leskiw? L-E-S-K-I-W?” “Yes, congratulations! The doctor hasn’t looked at your results yet, but I thought you’d want to know, and as it’s a high HCG, I thought I should call.”

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My cousin is now pacing, staring at me, as I hang up the phone. “Apparently I’m pregnant?” I said to him. He started smiling, almost laughing, excitingly giving me a hug. It wasn’t sinking in. I’m pregnant? I wasn’t sure how I felt about this – but there was my cousin so excited, so I guess this was an exciting moment? But what if tomorrow I see blood, and we have another chemical pregnancy, as we did with Arianna? But what if I go for an ultrasound in a few weeks and there is no heartbeat, as we saw with Lyric? But what if we go for an ultrasound and there is a heartbeat, but weeks later after going through the sickness of the first trimester, we see our dreams come crashing down again, as we did with Lael?

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I was so uncertain, and must have looked obviously disoriented, as my (male) cousin, paced around and said, “What do you want me to do?? Do you want me to go get some pregnancy tests to be sure? Should we go to the pharmacy? Maybe my wife has some – she is a nurse – she MUST have some!” I told him yeah, maybe we could go to the pharmacy, but no, that’s silly. No – don’t wake up your sleeping wife and napping baby. Before I could even get the words out, he came out of their bedroom (waking up his wife), with two Dollarama pregnancy tests in hand. I paused for a milli-second, took a deep breath, grabbed them from his hand, and headed to the bathroom to pee on two more sticks that month.

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I left the tests on the bathroom counter, and gave them the obligatory two to three minutes (which, in hindsight, due to my impatient nature, I don’t think I ever gave the other at home tests I took a week prior…). Sure enough, there were two lines. We were (and ARE) pregnant. 🙂

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Another “Coincidence”

By the way, I did the “math”, and realized that the day I started my Synthroid medication to treat the Hashimotos and Hypothyroidism, was the day we conceived. “Coincidence”? I don’t believe so. I believe there was a hand in the perfect timing of how everything came to be, and the perfect timing of this life being given to us.

“Is anything too hard for the Lord?
At the appointed time I will return to you,
about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.”

– Genesis 18:14

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I thought back to just less than 24 hours prior to receiving the news of our rainbow babe, praying for this cycle to be over, begging with God to give us another fresh start. Sometimes God does answer our prayers – just not the ones we want at the time or the ones we expect. He always knows better, and boy am I happy He didn’t answer that one.

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Thank you for celebrating our rainbow baby with us.
We are so beyond grateful.

XO,

Kayla