Our Wonderfully Made

Motherhood… what a becoming journey. Since becoming a mama to our angel babies three years ago (and really since starting our ttc (trying to conceive) journey over five years ago), I have shed so many layers, continually learning and growing. When you’re faced with any adversity in life, it quickly puts a mirror to your face, forcing you to look at who you are. It’s so easy to get caught up in the Rat Race of life, of always living in the “tomorrow there will be so much to do”, rushing from one thing to the next. We often jam pack our schedules so tight, there isn’t a whole lot of breathing room.

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This was definitely one of my habits (which I can still find myself falling into at times) when we started our journey to parenthood. I was obsessed with work, almost always the last to leave the office (and if I wasn’t, I was taking work home into the wee hours of the night), wearing the title like a badge of honour. I’d still fit in my yoga, (or boxing at the time), RUSHING from work to class, juuust making it in time to sneak through the door (gotta make the most of every minute right?).

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I’d often say no to friends + family invites, as I was “too busy”. Heck, I remember once sitting on a Starbucks patio on a sunny summer holiday Monday, pouring over an RFP, literally watching Branton and friends across the street on a patio enjoying drinks and appetizers.

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Frustrated with over a year of trying to conceive at the time (if you work hard enough, anything is possible right?? Suuuch a lesson for me here in infertility…), my Naturopath spoke a simple truth to me that I’ll never forget. He asked me, “Where does a baby “fit” into your “busy” life right now? Is there space for a baby? Your body is in fight or flight mode, and you don’t even realize the stress it’s in.” 😨 … He nailed it. I was so far deep, I couldn’t even see it until that mirror was forced in front of me.

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The worst part of it all? I didn’t have “time” for Jesus. Yet I called myself a Christian. I was so fixated on my own agenda, on the “next thing”, I didn’t stop and ask Jesus to lead me. It wasn’t until He reached out in the most loving way, allowing me to STOP and evaluate the steaming train I was on.

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Infertility gave me my life back. It gave me a renewed marriage. It forced me to surrender “me” and come to realize my dependency on Him. It ultimately broke my chains, and gave my the freedom to breathe. The freedom to stop fixating and stressing about “what’s next” and “should I do this or that?”. Because ultimately, God wants to know my heart. He wants whatever it is I choose to do here, to be for His glory, not my own. To take self out of the equation, and to do good work to further His Kingdom.

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I still get so caught up in questioning if I’m on the right path. If I should go here or there. I get stuck in my own head of needing to do bigger and better things. With the question of identity since becoming a mama to a babe here on earth, these questions and feelings can certainly be amplified. This is primarily why I’m sharing this – as I feel myself slipping here again – to keep myself accountable. He has called me to serve, and I need to check myself constantly to ensure my desire to serve in a “bigger” way, truly is for Him, and not for my own selfish gain, or human need for affirmation.

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Motherhood… what a journey it has been, and will continue to be, forever. I am so thankful for the journey we traveled before Orlo came into our arms. For all the mess, all the heartache, and the many lessons learned. I can confidently say, God is so good and merciful.

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Orlo came at just the right time for us – I was becoming the mama he needed me to be, and I will continually strive to be a better version of me, to be the mama God has called me to be.

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XO,

Kayla