Our Wonderfully Made

Heavy & Full 💔

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I’ve been wanting to update those of you who have been so supportive, following along with us on this journey, on what exactly has been going on lately. I feel like these past few weeks have hit like a tornado, as we have learnt a lot, met with new specialists (who have given new diagnosis), and have new hopes and fears. I want to share that all with you. But for today, I simply cannot. Today I don’t want to share statistics, or bloodwork, or diets. I don’t want to write about my eggs, my ovaries, or my hormones. I don’t want to discuss what our next steps are.

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Because for today, I want to honour Lyric. I want to honour Arianna, I want to honour Lael. Today I want to remember them not as numbers on a chart, or weeks in a year. I want to honour them as whole, beautiful beings. Because today, I really miss them.

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I feel like a broken record, but have been learning that my love for these babes will never go away. The pain will come and go, and the pangs get fewer and farther between now, however, some days, especially on big Anniversary days, they are going to hit you in the face, and that is a-okay. I will warn you in advance that this may be mumbled jumbled and all over the place, and I do promise to get to some useful knowledge I have learnt from all these experiences, but in this moment, this is where my heart has landed

Allow me to take you back to Sunday, when things all came crashing in…

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Sunday, October 1st, 2017

I woke up this morning after a wonderful night celebrating art, music, and design in my favourite city – the one we call home. With less sleep than is likely advisable, I rubbed my eyes, barely rolling out of bed to rush and get ready to serve at church. All morning I was feeling totally wasted, and sad, and chocked it up to lack of sleep and an early morning start on the weekend. So, after church and a 26 minute nap (studies have shown it’s the optimal amount of time for a nap… 🤷🏼‍♀️) turned into THREE HOURS, I once again pulled myself out of bed and got started cooking.  I love cooking and treasure weekends where it’s just me in the kitchen and whoever I invite into the scene. Sometimes Frank Sinatra comes for a visit, sometimes Van Morrison, and even Ryan Gosling has made an appearance. 😉 Today however, Meredith Grey and her posse joined me which was likely mistake #1.

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The last time I turned on a Grey’s Anatomy episode, I was pregnant with Lael. I intentionally stopped watching as so many episodes are set around babies in the NICU, pregnancy loss, or high risk pregnancies where the mother is in danger. Of course these scenes leave me gut-wrenched, putting myself in each of those female characters. Well, sure enough, the episode I chose to put on (thanks Netflix!), was the one where a mother who is still pregnant gives birth to her baby only to pass away from cancer moments later. Oouuf.

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I was teary-eyed, but then for whatever reason I realized what the date was… October 1st. How could I not have realized this earlier?! I mean, obviously October comes after September, I write the date down every morning, and Branton and I had already been talking for weeks about this day – this month – and some plans we have. But it was not until this moment that it dawned on it. Today is October 1st.

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Today instead of standing in my kitchen cooking minestrone, I should be throwing Lyric’s 1st Year Birthday Party.

 

I hated myself in that moment for not realizing this sooner. For not planning to go visit their memorial at the grave site. I felt like a horrible mother. Today, instead of my mind racing about my recent diagnosis and what this all means, I should be preparing the final touches on Lael’s nursery, being 38 weeks pregnant. But I’m not. It’s October 1st, a date I had circled on as many calendars as I could find, a date I highly anticipated to bring home our first baby. A date I later hoped we would be welcoming our Lael home, as she was due just weeks later, and here I am again, with empty arms.

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With all this swirling around, I was once again overwhelmed with grief. The heartache was so strong as if I was back in that ultrasound room looking at our lifeless baby on the screen. Back in the hospital bed waiting for the doctors to separate us. Back in the hotel room with Branton, unable to form words, feeling a dark cloud looming over me, forcing my lips down and putting weight on my eyelids.

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“I hate that they’re gone!”, I cried. “I miss them so so much. I hate that I’m broken. I hate that my body is failing me, that I failed my babies. I love them so much.”

I couldn’t stop crying – wailing – as Branton came into the room to hold me, rocking me, trying to calm me down. He held me. He whispered to me, reminding me how much he loves me. Reminding me that it wasn’t my fault. That my body didn’t fail me. That he missed them too.

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Falling to the ground, dinner still cooking on the stovetop, I felt as if my body was sinking into a pool of tears surrounding me. I wished the pool of tears would engulf me, that I could hide away, and shut off this reality. Just as I could shut off the story of the mother who just gave birth, I also wished this story wasn’t true – that I was somehow sleeping and just needed to turn the channel, waking up to a different reality…

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Branton took me to the couch, where I sat quietly for a while. I knew I couldn’t let this grief win. I knew although grief had its place, I didn’t want it to consume me, as I know my sweet babes wouldn’t want to look down on me like this.

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Wonderfully Made

I asked Brant if he thinks our babies are able to look down on us. Or are they here with us? Are parts of them now part of me? How does it all work? I don’t know, but I do know that they were perfect. They never felt hatred in their hearts, they never succumbed to sinful nature, they never had their hearts broken.

They were wonderfully made in His image. Wow. What a gift that is to us. I often wonder if one day when we meet our Heavenly Father, if I will look back to these moments and realize I was so short sighted. That these days are so so short in the grand scheme of everlasting and eternal. That maybe one day I will be reunited with our sweet babies and not just for a fleeting moment, or for a handful of years, but the real forever. Maybe they have been spared the reality of our broken world, only to know the wonder and beauty of our Heavenly Father. He took them home, to be lovingly cared and kept safe.

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“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
– John 16:33

Gratitude

So, today I am refocusing on how insanely blessed we are, and recognizing the fact that why would my life be perfect? No one’s is. And if I’m honest with myself, it’s pretty darn close to my idea of perfect. I am beyond thankful for the understanding of God’s love for me, and for my babies. I’m thankful to know they weren’t just balls of cells, but life. I’m thankful for a husband who adores me, cares for me, and is my best friend. I know I have mentioned this before, but I am SO grateful that he and I have been blessed with 13 years together (October is also the month we started dating as 15 year olds!), a flitting dream for many. I’m thankful to have been born in Canada, only knowing freedom. I’m thankful for my body, with lips that allows me to use words as a tool to comfort, arms that allow me to hug tightly, and legs that run, bike, and dance.

I am thankful for the sun that rises every morning, and the moon that shines each night. For the seasons that continually change, leaves that fall and, never failing, bloom again. It’s amazing to see God’s glory in the everyday. I am in awe at His creation, and blown away that we get to enjoy it.

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I am thankful for my babies. They have made me a mom, and taught me so much from their short lives. They have shown me how to be more compassionate, and empathize for those going through a stormy season. They have shown me what ecstatic joy is, from the minute I knew they were with me. I cannot describe to you just how proud of them I am, and how beautiful they are. I see their beauty all around me, and like a little child, make me see beauty in the mundane, and be in awe at butterflies and rainbows. And, they have introduced me to a community of unbelievable women, who I now call friends, forever bonded.

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October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is just layered with meaning for us. The month Lyric and Lael were both due, the month the story of us began, and the month where we bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss. This month, we remember and honour all the babies born sleeping, those we never got to hold, and those taken too soon.

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I also want to share part of a special group I am privileged to be part of with some amazing moms out there. For any of those reading this, who live in Winnipeg, and wish you could share your story and your baby with someone who understands, I welcome you to join us. We meet once a month, and just talk. We share what’s on our hearts, or we simply listen.

My sweet friend, Lisa Dean, started this group just over a year ago, after losing her baby girl, Aydrah at just eight days old. Her story is heartbreaking, however she has truly turned her story into something beautiful, supporting women going through this. You can read more about her story, and With Love Aydrah here. All she wanted was someone to talk to – to see someone standing strong after going through this. She saw a need in our city, and started opening her home to women to meet. And now here we are. With the Birth Centre opening their doors to this group, we are able to meet come rain or shine, with more resources and support.

Please feel welcome to join us if you have gone through this and would like to connect with some loving, non-judgmental women in our city.

Health Update

In the coming weeks I will share what my new diagnosis is (that I personally had researched and brought to the doctor two years prior, only to be dismissed…) and what this means not only for our fertility, but also my health as a woman. I tell ya, the woman’s body is crazy dynamic and I am continually in awe how everything works (and sometimes fails).  I’ve been learning a ton, and will continue to seek insight and knowledge. I look forward to sharing with you, as it is SO important to take control of your health as a woman. Not only for those struggling with infertility, but for each and every one of us.

For now, I am exhausted and want to take this time to celebrate and reflect on these past two years and what I have learnt from these experiences and our sweet littles.

XO,

Kayla