Our Wonderfully Made

Branton was the first guy I saw walking into a brand new high school at the age of 15. He was the heart throb of my teenage years and continues to be to this day. We have been together close to 15 years, coming up on on our 7 year Wedding Anniversary. 🙂

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AUGUST 2013

The Beginnings

Our journey to fertility began a little differently than perhaps the norm. It was not a romantic night under the stars looking into each other’s eyes when we just knew we were ready and made the decision to start a family. In reality, it began over a few glasses of wine and an open conversation with my Auntie and cousin-in-law on the topic of the negative side effects of the Pill, PMS, and our lady parts (oh – and Branton was not a part of this conversation lol). Feeling empowered by the support (and maybe the wine), I decided that night to stop taking the Pill (mid-cycle – that part wasn’t my brightest idea). My primary motive at the time was regarding the harm the Pill can do to your body, with a small voice in the back of my head being excited over a potential “accidental baby” (Branton was aware of this internal conversation ;).

A few weeks later, I started having insanely painful cramping. This was not your average PMS cramps. It was debilitating, and I ended up in the multiple ER rooms (the first ending with “there is likely something wrong with your ovaries – here is a prescription for T3’s”) and numerous doctor’s appointments where I was not taken seriously. It was not until a second trip to the ER, where I was diagnosed with a large fibroid growing on my uterine muscle.

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OCTOBER 2013

Fibroids & Getting Loopy on Lupron

We were referred to Heartland Fertility Clinic, where we met Dr. Lee, a very slim, short Japanese man, wearing the same Lululemon shirt I had in my closet. Although small in stature, Dr. Lee has performed more surgeries than I can imagine, and likely has either delivered you, or your baby in the past 30 years. Dr. Lee prescribed a medication called Lupron, to attempt in shrinking my fibroids, one of which was larger than the size of a grapefruit at this point. (BTW – Lupron also stops your production of estrogen and progesterone, also causing HOT FLASHES, NIGHT SWEATS, and CRAZY EMOTIONS (bless poor Branton).

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MARCH 2014

Surgery… & More Drugs

After months of taking this medication, I was scheduled for my an open myomectomy surgery {basically a C-section}. After a long recovery (internal stitches in your uterus will do that), we went on to try a fertility drug called Letrozole to aid in trying to conceive, as my cycles were off, and we were not succeeding naturally. This drug was also very successful in inducing mood swings, hot flashes, and night sweats, however did not assist in achieving a pregnancy. By the end of 2014, I was frustrated with weekly ultrasounds at the fertility clinic ending in disappointment (I have so many photos of my ovaries now!), and feeling depressed and hazy from the drugs.

JANUARY 2015

A Natural Approach

With the new year approaching, and being recently referred to a Naturopath at the Nature Doctors by a coworker, we decided it was time to make a change. We met with Dr. Jason the first week of January 2015, and were so happy we did! For the first time, I felt like someone truly cared about not only my physical health, but also my emotional and mental well-being. After going through an intensive family medical history, along with current health status of myself, Dr Jason recommended a food intolerance test, which I took and followed the 30 day detox that followed. We learned so much about healing the body through what we eat, and have completely changed our diet by consciously choosing foods that truly nourish our bodies.

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February – November 2015

PCOS

Over the course of 2015, I went through many blood tests and ultrasounds to check for various factors that may be leading to our infertility. Eventually, we found out that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), which is caused by an imbalance of reproductive hormones, primarily estrogen and progesterone. This imbalance causes problems in the ovaries, which often results in the egg not developing properly, or not releases at all during ovulation. Although many women also suffer from the development of cysts in the ovaries, mine appear to be clear. Some side effects I have encountered:

– Irregular cycles
– Long cycles
– Hair growth & loss (you figure that one out)
– Acne

PCOS is one of the most common causes of female infertility, and there are many different types of PCOS (actually, the term itself is currently being reviewed and soon to be changed, as it doesn’t quite fit all the various types of “PCOS” symptoms out there). Since there are so many different types of PCOS, this made me extremely confused, as I didn’t fit into the “typical” camp of PCOS. I do not gain weight easily (actually, quite the opposite), I have no cysts on my ovaries, and I am not pre-diabetic. To be honest, I am still confused at this diagnosis, and hope to learn more as we continue on our journey.

Dr. Jason was able to send me home with natural supplements, as well as scheduling weekly acupuncture visits. Between the supplements, and acupuncture, my cycles were becoming more and more “normal” – for me at least – and slow improvement was made. Feeling much better overall, yet still battling long, irregular cycles, and only having disappointment by the end of 2015, I knew a yet bigger change had to be made.

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DECEMBER 2015

STRESS & Priorities

Dr. Jason had been coaching me throughout the year, of how stress also affects our bodies. At this time, I was acting as a National Sales & Service Manager for a company in Winnipeg, which involved plenty of travel across North America and PR. It gave me purpose, and I loved seeing our business and team grow. However, being a Type-A, borderline OCD individual, I was putting everything I had into this role, with little knowledge at the time of how to properly cope with the stress (or how to say “No”). After numerous meetings with Dr. Jason, and being asked, “Why would a baby want to come into an environment that is so stressed?” (he put it much more eloquently lol), I really had to check myself. Branton and I realized that if we really wanted to give this fertility journey our best shot, we had to prioritize our family over everything else – including my career. We made the difficult choice to leave my demanding, high stress job, and my priorities in life began to truly shift.

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FEBRUARY 2016

Lyric

One month after my final day at work, we found out we were pregnant! To say we were ecstatic, would be an understatement. We eagerly chatted about baby names (I had mine picked out for years now – Lyric), researched strollers and cribs, and were giddy with excitement. At our 6 week ultrasound, we had the privilege of hearing this little babe’s beating heart. It was a miracle. We planned a 10 week ultrasound for one month later.

What we excitedly prepared for (seeing our baby grow; hearing his heartbeat) was not what we witnessed. We were now living my nightmare. At first there were no tears, just shock of what was happening. Leaving that room, I lost all control and tears of reality began to pour. I kept thinking, “I can’t believe this is happening.” And yet, I could. It all seemed so unbelievably too good to be true that we were finally really pregnant. We named him Lyric (to me that was always his name, really). Music is a big part of our lives, and a huge coping mechanism for me. For us, the name Lyric represents strength and courage, compassion and empathy, and hope.

After two D&C’s (that is a whoooole other story – yikes), three nights in the hospital and many trips to the emergency, we were finally once again on the path to healing.

JUNE 2016

People Who Travel Abroad Get Pregnant… Right?!

You know when people have those stories of going on a trip abroad, and they come back pregnant? Well, the same week we found out about losing Lyric, I spur of the moment booked a trip to Barcelona & Portugal for that June. 1) To escape reality for while, 2) we’ve talked about a Europe trip for years now, and 3) that sliver of hope that we would be that exotic couple to whisk away and come back glowing and pregnant. (I tend to live in my own dream world where I already picture these things and think it is a completely normal, and almost expected outcome.) Well we definitely came back with a glow, after what was the trip of a lifetime, but pregnancy was not in the cards for us at that time.

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NOVEMBER 2016

Arianna

After months of weekly Reflexology (thank goodness for finding Gloria at Prairie Love Festival!), and Acupuncture (Dr. Eduardo & Dr. Wang, adding to my crew), my cycles were becoming more regular, and shortened, (going from 60-70+ day cycles down to 42 days was a huge win for me!).

End of November 2016, we got a call from my OB that we were pregnant. This time it came as less of a shock to me, as I had a knowing feeling that we were. There seemed to be signs everywhere I went, pointing to this pregnancy. I had no fear. This was certainly meant to be!

That night I subbed for a girlfriend’s volleyball team, giddy with the thought of life growing in my womb. For some reason, as I was about to serve, the name Arianna came boldly in my mind. Weird, I realize, of all places for this to happen, but in that bizarre setting I knew that was her name – Arianna. I was surprised at how and why this name would come to me only hours after learning of our pregnancy? The next day however, I woke up, bleeding. Termed a “chemical pregnancy”, this pregnancy was no longer viable. Although it was such a short time with her, it is INSANE how much heartache this brought. I spent the next day curled up on the couch, eating cake from Cocoabeans Bakery straight out of the dish (zero shame), listening to the same songs over and over as I wept.

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FEBRUARY 2017

Lael

On February 7th, 2017, hours before I left for a mother/daughter/sisters weekend extravaganza to Seattle, we received confirmation that once again, we were pregnant. This time, mixed emotions overwhelmed me. Don’t get too excited. What if you miscarry again this weekend in Seattle? What if this time it truly is meant to be? Do we share or do we not share with our family? This journey has been difficult on more than just us – do we spare them the pain if this goes awry once again?

After getting my beta hcg levels checked weekly, things were looking good – great even! I was still nervous. Afraid. Anxious. The morning of our 8 week ultrasound, we planned a nice breakfast date at my favourite spot in Winnipeg. Although I was surprisingly calm, I could sense Branton’s worry. Worry over what the ultrasound would show, but also worry for how, and if I could handle it. And then we saw our miracle… measuring perfectly at eight weeks, and a heartbeat of 187 bpm,.My heart was exploding. I cried – this time tears of joy.

Approaching our 12 week ultrasound a week before Easter, I wasn’t feeling as joyful. I could sense something was wrong. I felt we lost our baby…. yet wanted so, so desperately to believe I was wrong. We were once again faced with our fears, as the technician put gel on my stomach to have a peek at our little one. There was no heartbeat. Although I somewhat knew this was coming, and my body had been preparing me, your heart can never be prepared for that moment of truth. Our spirits were crushed. We named her Lael, which means “Belonging to God”, for she now rests with Him. For more on our journey with Lael, you can see my blog post, “Miscarriage… it [still] really sucks”

TODAY… THEN & TODAY… NOW

Hope

We have three angel babies waiting for us up in heaven; Lyric, Arianna, and Lael. We never met these little ones earth side, and they rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father. Their short lives have transformed me inside out, and this our story is still unfolding. This is not the end of our story. We have hope again for the future, that we will hold our little one, and when that time comes, we will be beyond grateful for that honour.

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I wrote that last paragraph shortly after our third loss, with Lael, in April 2017. Now, here we are in 2018, celebrating the news of our rainbow baby, expected June 2018. For an update on how we got to this day since Lael, see my post, How Community, a New Diagnosis, and “Coincidence” Led us to our Rainbow Baby, Expected June 2018!