Purpose, Passion, & Prayer through Loss
These past weeks – months – years?? – I have felt a strong desire for uncovering exactly why I’ve been put on this earth. Heavy, right? That will weigh on your heart! It was one of the main reasons, in conjunction with our decision to seriously focus on starting our family, that I left my job a year and a half ago.
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Many of us have the desire to find a purpose as to why we are here. What makes me unique? What am I meant to be doing? My desire to live out my purpose is becoming stronger and stronger the more I dive into relationship with God. The understanding that He literally knows my name, knows the amount of hair on my head, and created me unique, is an overwhelming realization! The following verse has been my guidance for the last two years, as I’ve been journeying this inner road.
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good thing He planned for us long ago.” – Ephesians 2:10
The initial rumble in my soul started when I came to realize how consumed I was in my job. I would work 50-60 hours per week, cancel on friends to take my work home, miss family events, (I even had Branton meet me at the office with sushi until 2am one night…), the list goes on. I think the worst was that even when I did make time for family and friends, I was usually not present, as my mind was consumed with to-do lists, problems that needed solving, office politics, and more.
What if I put this amount of energy, time, and passion towards something that really fed my soul?
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for hard work, putting in the time, and going all in! The shift happened when I stopped to think what it was that I was pushing so hard for. Who was I helping? What mission was I on? What values were I holding to? I started asking myself questions… What if I put this amount of energy, time, and passion towards something that really fed my soul? What does feed my soul? Jesus is the only One that can fill me up so I can do His mission, so what is it that He has called me to do?
With a lot of prayer and throwing caution to the wind, we made the decision that I would leave my job. I was gut-wrenched nervous to hand in that resignation letter and leave my well paid job where I felt established, in control, and successful. But I knew God had bigger plans for me ahead, and I trusted (and still am trusting) in that. I remember thinking, “Give me 6 months and I’ll have figured it out! I’ll be on an entrepreneurial path, crushing those dreams and doing the good work!” I was so naive… (points for enthusiasm though lol).
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Within weeks of my last day, I found myself preparing for an interview for what I thought would be my dream job, or at the very least a foundation to build my own business on. Everything was falling into place – I never searched for this job opportunity, as I found a position working at my fathers marketing agency, but here it was! I was desperately clinging onto any “sign” that I had made the right decision and this seemed to be an answer. As I was preparing my presentation for the second interview, I fell very ill. I was sooo sick. I couldn’t believe the timing! I had so much to prepare still, and this was really throwing a wrench in my schedule. Branton took me to the walk-in clinic to get checked out as it was not getting better.
When the doctor asked if I could possibly pregnant, we looked at each other, saying, “it’s possible..???” After two and a half years of infertility, it was hard to think it was possible. I prayed hard while peeing into that little cup, that this would be an absolute miracle and it would be true. And so it was! We couldn’t believe it. In that instance, my whole world flip flopped. My presentation went out the window. Finally, what we’d been dreaming and praying for was here! I informed the HR Manager that I was taking myself out of the interview line up, as we recently found out we were pregnant. It did not seem fair to start a new job, only to be on Mat Leave 8 months later.
Miscarriage never crossed my mind.
What happened over the next 15 months was something I never thought would be part of my story. I pictured giving birth October 1st, 2016. I imagined his first Birthday being only months away from now. I envisioned using the months leading up to labour, uncovering my passions, and spending a blissful year of Mat Leave caring for our baby, while setting the foundation for my business. I did not envision losing our baby just six weeks later. I did not envision being in and out of hospital for two weeks, with two surgeries. I did not foresee the heart-breaking sadness and grief that would consume me. I was not prepared to have my heart ripped out of my chest. I miss him so much…
I also never fathomed the amount of love, support, and new relationships that would form from sharing our grief with you – our friends, family, and others journeying with us. I could never imagine the magnitude of how community can rise up around you, comfort you, and lift you back up. God’s love never felt so real to me before. If I was this torn up and crushed by losing my child so early on, how distraught is my God when I fall down? When I am internally dying? His love is so great!
Through prayer, community, family, friends, and of course my rock and greatest love Branton, I found myself breathing again. More than breathing actually – I felt invigorated again, with this pursuit of purpose burning stronger within me. I picked myself back up, grabbed those notes, and kept dreaming towards this future.
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Well, two more losses later, I feel as if each time I get back up, I’ve been knocked back down with a force-wind. Each time I’ve felt on top, ready to conquer the world, another loss has met me face on. The love you feel for your child the moment you know of their existence within you, is insurmountable. It’s crazy! So you can imagine the equal amount grief that hits when you also know they are no longer with you.
Three losses in 15 months, two weeks in hospital, and four surgeries later, I’m still here. Rising strong. I feel strong again. We’ve been embracing the new neighbourhood, getting outside as much as possible, biking everywhere my legs will take me. I’ve started running again with a good friend, taking in the scenery along the river path just outside our door feeling insanely grateful for this life. I come home to the most adorable, loving, creative, talented man who treats me like a queen. My family has gone through many hills and valleys, and has really grown together over the years, always planning adventures together (currently on the way to the lake with a bunch of them!). I look around and am at awe of God’s creation all around me – those prairie sunsets are His handiwork each day.
I certainly have my days and times to breakdown. Just last week I found myself breaking down at my desk upon news of yet another friend’s pregnancy announcement. I felt all the pain of loss coming back at rapid fire. I felt envious that (seemingly) like a snap of a finger she’s announcing and in her second trimester. I remember counting down the days to being “in the clear” (which in reality you never truly are – each day is a gift!). I’m sharing this only to say, that it’s going to be a journey. I’m going to have those days or moments when I get sad and ache to hold our babies. The difference is, they are fewer between and no longer all-consuming every day and every thought.
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So where do we go from here? What’s a girl to do? What are my passions, where is my purpose? I’m still figuring that out myself. But, for the first time in my life I am so okay with the journey to get there. Rather than living for the “when”, I’m living in the now, and doing my best to embrace all the beauty along the roadside. I’ll keep you posted on where this path is taking me – where God is leading me. One thing I know for certain is that I need to lean into Him more – into prayer and reading – if I’m going to get there. My imperfect, sometimes all over the place, confusing, messy life does has purpose and for now this is exactly where I need to be.
You too are loved. You too are worthy. I see you, and invite you to be courageous and take this journey with me. Maybe you’re already on this journey, or see your destination laid out ahead. If so – please reach out! Let me know how you stay motivated, inspired, and on track. I’d love to connect with you.
XO,
Kayla
P.S. I just picked up the book, Restless, by Jennie Allen, which is all about finding your identity through your gifts, passions, places, relationships, and sufferings. Join me while I go through the book, or let me know if you’ve read it! Here’s a link to her website: Restless – Jennie Allen
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