Sowing in Tears… (Harvest: Part 2)
Have you ever felt so knocked down, you weren’t sure if you would ever truly stand STRONG again? Where you started second guessing this life was actually for real? How could the same hurt be repeated over and over again? Yet, through it all, you had this hope that seemed almost laughable? Albeit, a hope that still lingered. A hope you secretly still dream of?
.
For the weeks leading up to Harvest, I spent my time meditating on the scripture chosen for the evening and had a neatly packaged message I planned to share with our guests for the evening. Full of interesting facts, research on the mind to brain connection correlated to feeling contentment through our unique seasons of Harvest. It was great!
It also was never shared.
Instead of giving some new information, perhaps some useful tools, which I hope still sat with this group of women after dinner, I decided to share a personal story of mine that really all came full circle at 3:00am the day before Harvest.
The evening was set around the season of Harvest. Of Thanksgiving. Of reaping that which was sown in seasons prior. Celebrating the consistent work we have done to bring our crops to harvest. Reflecting on all that has gone before us to come to the table and share in this Harvest together.
What I felt called to share was three things I have learned and know because I have lived through these lessons:
1) What it means to truly SOW the seed, which is the Word,
which is God.
2) The difference between joy and happiness, and
3) The teaching Paul is giving us to LEARN how to be content in all
things no matter what our unique harvest yields
I will now share with you, the words spoken on that beautiful evening surrounded by strong, vulnerable women, sitting together by candlelight – with dinner at dusk….
All photos of Harvest by the wonderfully talented, Jamie Mae Photography.
Six years ago I was working as a National Sales & Service Manager for a company here in Winnipeg. I worked hard to prove myself, enough to get noticed for advancement in the company. Although I really didn’t care about the title, I was obsessed with success. Not for a higher pay, but for the affirmation, pride, and control it gave me. I was working 60+ hours a week, spending every evening and weekend grinding through work. Often times, you could find me in front of the blue glow of my laptop into the wee hours of the night. I wasn’t involved in my church. I didn’t know the quiet pains of the friends around me, never mind acknowledging my own. I was climbing the corporate ladder and in the eyes of our society, was quite successful.
Around this time, my husband and I decided to start trying to get pregnant. Our friends were starting their families, and seemed like the natural thing to do. We’ve always wanted to have a family, my husband especially. We are high school sweethearts, coming up on 15 years together (half our lives!), and I still remember when we were 16 years old, I asked my husband what he wanted to be when he grew up he responded, “A good husband and a great dad.”
I quit my job to make room for a pregnancy. Which to me, was giving up who I thought I was. It was letting go of this identity I created for myself.
I found myself not knowing who I was without my power career lifestyle, living in a body that I felt failed me, in capable to conceive.
LYRIC
After hitting roadblock after roadblock, and close to two years of infertility (including finding a large fibroid on my uterine lining and undergoing surgery), we finally became pregnant January 2016. And were over the moon. We excitedly booked a second ultrasound at ten weeks pregnant, and were absolutely devastated when the technician quietly said, “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.” We named our baby Lyric, always the name I had hoped for my first son. Healing emotionally and physically was not easy. I underwent surgery to say goodbye to Lyric, which resulted in complications and subsequent surgery. Our hearts were broken, my spirit shattered.
Seven days after facing the truth of Lyric’s heart was no longer beating, I picked up this journal. Essentially just a book complete with blank pages and a simple L on the cover. For some reason, I knew I had to get my heart out on these pages, and also yearned to connect to Lyric in the only way I now knew how – through writing. I had so many questions for God, so much hurt, anger, confusion, and heartache.
This book became the soil for my seed. The soil for God’s Word to be turned and rooted in me.
In this book, I have written countless prayers, encouragement of others, letters to my babies, key notes from sermons, and scripture passages that connected with me. Philippians 4 was one of those passages that held me up, and kept my eyes on Jesus through this.
Just a few verses before our text for this evening, Paul gives us this (which I find as encouragement):
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness[d] be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4: 4-7
This became my battle cry. This is what I continued to sow. Sowing the Word through my heart ache, sowing the Word through my anger. Casting my fears and hurt on Him to help me in this field I found myself, the stormy weather hindering my harvest.
After losing Lyric, we were blessed with a second pregnancy.
ARIANNA
Our second pregnancy ended the November following Lyric, our sweet Arianna.
Back to this book I went – back to the soil to work this seed that held my spiritual dirt.
The promise of a guarded heart and mind from Christ Jesus allowed me to cry out to Jesus hours after losing Arianna…
LAEL
Three months later, on the way to the airport to catch a flight to Seattle to go wedding dress shopping with my sister Chelsea, I got the call from my doctor that we were once again pregnant.
Immediate fear. Thanksgiving. Joy. Anxiety.
This pregnancy felt different. It felt as if this was our redemption story. Three times a charm, right?
This pregnancy I distracted myself more. Likely out of fear, and trying to guard my heart. For the first two months, I didn’t really come back to my soil.
And so, I felt the anxiety build. And build. And build.
I knew I needed to tend to the field of my heart and come back to my soil, to continue sowing the Word of God in my heart.
We had a scare five days later where my midwife couldn’t find the heartbeat with her Doppler. We were only 10 weeks pregnant however, and heartbeats can be hard to find at that gestation through a Doppler. She told me not to worry.
Well, of course I worried! But I also felt God’s peace. I felt His peace, which certainly surpassed my understanding, guard my heart. I wrote this in the two weeks I waited from not hearing her heartbeat with that Doppler to our 12 week ultrasound…
An excerpt from my journal, written March 29, 2017:
“Lord I am so confused, scared, afraid, and anxious.
I know you could have made the heartbeat clear yesterday with the midwife, yet you chose not to. I then worry instantly that it is not there – because I could not hear – I could not see. But just as Job went through trials – He trusted in you – not because of the circumstance and that he could see an answer, but because he trusted YOU. The great Redeemer. Help me to trust and faith like Job, God.Lord, help me to be patient as James advises in James 5:7-12,
“Be patient… until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the previous fruit of the earth, being patient about it until it receives the early and the late rains. You also be patient. Establish your hearts for the
coming of the Lord is at hand.”
Two weeks later, we sat in yet another ultrasound office. And yet another time, we heard those dreaded words, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.”
Lael. The name we gave our third babe. Lael – Belonging to God.
(To read more of life after losing Lael, and the first blog post to spur on Our Wonderfully Made, click here.)
And so, what I thought was so clearly my harvest of bounty coming, wasn’t.
At least not that I could see, or tangibly hold. What I expected – the seed of life planted in my womb, growing – expected to continue to grow and produce a harvest 9 months later… didn’t come.
Yet there was still my soil that cried for my attention.
Back to watering these pages with tears and all the mess and dirt of my emotions.
Nearing the end pages of this book, a year and half after the first pen stroke, this is the final verse written:
“Those who sow in tears will reap with song of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, WILL RETURN with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.”
Psalm 126:5-6
There is an action found here – those who SOW – in this context, reflecting on sowing the Word. This is a promise that IF we sow, we will also reap with songs of joy.
This verse was shared with me by a dear aunt, whose heart is for Jesus and has been a source of encouragement and prayer for us. She shared this verse with me when I wasn’t certain being a mom was in the cards for me.
She shared this encouragement with me:
(Her own words – September 14, 2017)
You are staring in those last couple of verses at an absolute promise. Not may, not often does, but absolutely will. In other words, no doubt about it. If a person will sow seed in a time of tears, they will return with songs of joy.
This is the spiritual law of the harvest. It starts very early on in scripture. In Genesis 8:22 God said, “As long as the earth endures, seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.” What is true for the physical earth is also true in the spiritual realm. There is a spiritual law of the harvest.
This is no easy thing to do — that’s why you need a ‘season’ and like any good farmer knows, it takes a season from when the seed is in before you reap the sheaves of wheat, right?
So this is what I’ve learned about what it means to sow the seed (which is the Word) — not just read it, not just study it, not just be blessed by it, but honestly sow it into the soil of our present reality.
We have 2 choices: believe God or not. We have to make the decision to believe God on it, dig in that soil and sow the word. And here is where we’ve got to be brave! Because in “The Law of the Harvest” — it doesn’t come up tomorrow. For a while we may think: you know what? This is not coming up near as fast as I want it to.
Are we going to believe God that he says, it will come up? It will come up! You just begin to see the tiniest little leaves to begin with and the tiniest bit of green in the soil. And then he says, it will turn into a harvest. And not just a harvest, it will turn into a harvest of joy and you’re going to wave those sheaves of joy. You’re going to come forth with a harvest of joy — that’s His promise!
You are his child! If he has allowed you to go through a deeply sorrowful season of your life where you are challenged to sow the seed in a time of tears and you have asked to be delivered from the thorn and you’ve still got it, let me tell you something, something so big is going on — something so huge that there is glory at stake! I’m smiling as I type this…
I’ll tell you, there is nothing like a season of deep sadness and sorrow to make you look around and realize more profoundly that THIS time – it’s just you and God. This is the personal promise of Psalm 126!
Let me tell you, there will be no harvest like this one – this life-changing season – because He’s making you ready now to CLAIM His promises in your life with the eyes of your heart opened in a way that maybe didn’t quite ‘see’ before! You will never know Jesus until he has brought through something all by your little lonesome self and you chose to be obedient to him and sow the Word and he was FAITHFUL to you! THIS is what changed my life – this is my greatest joy – gives me tears as I type it! You will be marked forever — you will be marked forever!
I know that no matter how many attempts our enemy may make to convince you that you are defeated in this — you are NOT defeated! The enemy does not have the power to defeat you — he does not! He cannot defeat or destroy a child of God. But if he can make you THINK defeated, you will act that way and then he can keep you there! (I’m not saying this is happening – as I am witnessing rather the mighty grace of God in your life as a result! It’s thrilling to witness!
ALL signs to me that your HARVEST IS COMING!
This gift of spirit – of hope – of conviction – of God’s promise for our lives, inspired and comforted me.
And yet today, I am reminded at how powerful God is, and how he has weaved each of our unique stories for purpose. The fact that my aunt shared this message with me TWO DAYS prior to this event… an event we decided to call HARVEST. This message she initially shared with me two years prior which I did not recall at the time.
The fact that I have not looked at this special “L” journal for a full year, only to bring it out this past week as I remembered Lyric’s due date, October 1st, and to find the LAST verse written in this book of 1.5 years of tears to be the exact verse she is quoting in her message to me?
To have the magnitude of my personal season of sowing in tears in this journal come to a whole new realization just days before our first event incorporating JOURNALLING with Holy Yoga? God, you are so so cool.
And then this…?!
ORLO
Two weeks after these words were shared with me, we conceived again. And just over nine months later, gave birth to a beautiful, sweet, bright baby boy. This child we named Orlo – our bringer/giver of light… our HARVEST.
These years of crying out to Jesus, searching His word for both comfort and direction, were a tough season for me. An actionable season of finally coming to know the Word and feel God’s presence in a whole new way. I had to lean on God. I was brought so low, only He could give me the strength to be brought back up.
Within this promise of Psalm 126:5-6, “Those who sow in tears will reap with song of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, WILL RETURN with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.”, it is not by accident the promise is of JOY – not HAPPINESS.
Happiness is tied to circumstance whereas joy is tied to spirit and gratitude.
Happiness in Greek is used to describe the freedom of the rich from normal cares or worries, good fortune, such as money, or health.
Joy in Greek was described in ancient times as the “culmination of being” and “the good mood of the soul”. The ancient Greeks tell us that joy is only found in God and comes with virtue and wisdom. It comes as the culmination.
The “culmination of being” connects us to Paul’s direction of contentment. Which is also a state of being.
Paul writes,
“for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.”
Philippians 4: 11-12
Contentment is a learned behaviour. It’s not a natural gift that some of us are born with and others are not.
So how do we practice contentment? What does that look like?
I believe Paul gives us a few clues on how to cultivate the behaviour of contentment in the verses prior to our scripture passage for this evening.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness[d] be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Philippians 4:4-8
Stop for a moment. When you hear, “if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” What comes to mind? What is currently worthy of praise in your life?
One of my favourite authors, Brene Brown, who is a writer and research professor, gives a few starting off points in her book The Gifts of Imperfection. Has anyone read this book?
Brene tells us that out of all her research process, what jumped out at her was the practice of gratitude (which is strongly correlated to finding contentment). She shares the importance of putting our attitudes into PRACTICE.
So, we have Paul thousands of years ago teaching us that contentment is LEARNED – meaning it takes practice. And we have good ‘ol Brene Brown today telling us that out of all her research, it was the PRACTICE of gratitude that is the important shift.
An example of this, which I’ve seen come up more than once on my social media feed (which is awesome!) lately, is Beyonce. Her new film, “Homecoming” came out on Netflix earlier this year, and is pretty much an entire film of her practicing. She practiced for EIGHT MONTHS to prepare for a TWO HOUR performance. Think of that next time you feel discouraged that you aren’t hearing an answer to prayer in the time you would like. Or when your harvest isn’t coming as quick as the girl next door’s.
Two final thoughts to leave you with, the first shared by Rick Ezell, is a pastor in South Carolina, with his Doctor of Ministry in Preaching:
Contentment has learned the lesson that Jesus is enough. If you know Jesus, you have a God who hears you, the power of love behind you, the Holy Spirit within you, and all of heaven ahead of you. If you have Jesus, you have grace for every sin, direction for every turn, a candle for every corner, and an anchor for every storm. You have everything you need.
https://www.lifeway.com/en/articles/sermon-contentment-learned-virtue-philippians-4
I believe this is so fitting as we sit around the table, reflecting on the harvest that we have each sowed. It starts small. For us it took years. It doesn’t come up tomorrow. It’s not one day of thinking positive and having a lifetime of contentment. It’s ongoing. It’s a practice. We need to trust God, and believe Him when He tells us he will bring a harvest of joy when we sow His Word.
XO,
Kayla
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