Our Wonderfully Made

I’ve recently started on a 90-day journey, through a guided journal called, “Authentic Life Journal”. My younger sister gifted me this journal at Christmas time, and as I’ve heard and witnessed the growth, discoveries, and peace she has experienced through her 90 days, I have been eager to get started. Ironically, I say I was eager to get started, yet it clearly took me three months to actually open it up and make a commitment to 20 minutes each morning, for opening up my journal with a passage from Scripture, and going through the process. How often do you find yourself in similar moments? “I’m so excited to get into a better habit…” “I can’t wait to have more time for        .” “Once          slows down, I’ll have so much more time for meditation, reading, working out, eating better, etc.”

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For me, I have had a burning desire for years now to step out of fear, and chase my dreams – aligning those dreams ultimately for what He has called me to do – and just go after them. I have this passion to want to follow my passions – yet get stuck. I get stuck in the comfortable day-to-day. I get stuck in the questions of uncertainty, “But what if that’s not what I’m supposed to do?” “What if I fail, and everyone sees me fail?” “What if I have no credibility?” “What if people think I’m ridiculous?” (Okay, that one I should get over already, because I already know a handful of people who think I’m ridiculous lol). And yet, after all these questions, and after all these fears, I still have this desire turning in my heart. I feel more ready now to step out of the fear (while I have the gusto in my wings!), and go after what those dreams are, or could be. To go after what God has called me to do, and has prepared me, specifically me, to do. Plus, the one thing that the healing journey through pregnancy after loss has brought out in me, is how much I hate Fear. He (Fear!) has destroyed so many moments of joy and gratitude for me. Fear has stopped me from so many great things. Fear has robbed me of thankfulness, and has sent me downward spirals (especially those endless nights “googling” during the first trimester!). I am so sick of Fear, that I just want to kick his ass now. 🙂

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That we need to meet ourselves where we are at, and START. We don’t need to conquer it all in one day. We don’t need to take alllll the areas of life we want to be better in, to grow in, and figure them all out at once. We just need to start.

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I believe that ultimately it was subconscious Fear, that brought me to think I just “needed more time” to really get into a good habit of reading my Bible, or discovering where my passions lie, or taking the next step. That’s simply not true. I didn’t need more time. I needed to realize that there is never “the perfect time”. That, we are never 100% ready. That we need to meet ourselves where we are at, and START. We don’t need to conquer it all in one day. We don’t need to take alllll the areas of life we want to be better in, to grow in, and figure them all out at once. We just need to start. We need to take baby steps. And we need to give up trying to do it solo. I’m learning more and more, to partner with those trusted people in my life to journey with me. To hold me accountable when I slip up, but also to help to pick me back up and start journeying together again, rather than condemning me for falling. To help me ultimately realize I need more of HIM in my life. I know He will provide the answers, and the path to take. I was expecting answers from within myself – on my own doing – rather than asking the One who created me to help me follow in the ways He has created me for.

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That all being said, I do find the timing of this 90-day journey quite serendipitous. I didn’t plan it this way, but it will be exactly 90 days from the day I started this new routine (last week), to our due date. Also, the same day I decided to start the journey through the Authentic Life Journal, was also the first session with my friend Aelea, to go through her Wander to Wonder lifestye coaching program. I love that Aelea comes from a faith-based perspective, and I can openly share my struggles, desires, and questions with her. I’m so excited to embark on this journey with her, while starting each day with time in Scripture and opening my heart and ears to listen to His call on my life. Aelea and I are on a 12 week journey together (rather than a “quick fix”), where we will be building on realizations and the tough stuff for the next (now 11) weeks.

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I used to want the answer NOW, to have immediate satisfaction NOW, to be at my final destination NOW. I’m realizing more and more however, it’s really not so much about the final destination, rather, the journey to arrive there. However, I have come to love my journey – every heartache, every loss, every joy – because it’s mine. It’s unique to me. No one has traveled the exact path I have. No one has traveled the exact path you have. I believe our paths are not accidental. There is purpose there. I have learnt sooo much through my own journey, and each lesson has been layered to help me see clearer, to connect me to others’ unique paths and journey with them, to give me a heart of gratitude, and to help me realize how much I need Him.

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I’m less anxious about where I’m going and am learning to trust more in His timing. I don’t need the answers or the healing NOW. I feel a strong desire to be aware of what it is He has called me to do. I yearn to feel fulfillment in using my personal experiences, the gifts He has given me, my unique skills, abilities and talents, and package them into something of offering to others, ultimately for His glory.

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Maybe this has all been resurfacing again, as I am a day away from our third trimester and starting to realize “Hey! I’m actually pregnant and having a baby in a short few months!” I desire to be a loving mom for my baby boy, and also a mom who demonstrates love to others, selflessness, authenticity, honesty, and a passionate heart. I hope he can look to me and see fruits of the spirit. I hope he knows how loved he is, but also realizes how we are called to love hard on others too. I hope he feels safe to share his struggles, fears, and failures with me. I hope he knows that no matter what, I have unconditional love for him, and together, we will work things through – that I’ll never forsake him, just as God will not forsake us. I also hope he witnesses me pursuing my passions, strengthening my skills and talents, and using them for good. I hope he sees that he can become whoever it is he wants to become – and know that God put that desire in his heart, knowing exactly who he is. I want to be the best version of myself, for him too – for this sweet boy who we’ve waited so, so long to meet. I truly believes God has given me every trial, every heartache, and every feeling of euphoria, to prepare me for this special boy. To prepare me to lead him as he needs to be led. He gave me time to really know who I am, in preparation for this life growing within, and to prepare me to enter into a new role as mother. And I don’t want to waste a minute of it…

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I used to stress out about not doing what I loved (and not knowing what that was/is even!), and so desperately wanting to do MORE. To do something BIGGER.

But then I also have this pulling on my heart, a voice (sometimes audible through my own sisters as we discuss this often! 🙈), saying, “You want to do the BIG things, yet you are missing even the smallest of things I have called you to do.” How can He trust me with the BIG things if I keep ignoring the SMALL things? Listening to the nudge in the waiting room to pray for the widow beside me (umm… in public?? Awkward!!). Making a meal for someone who could really use it, even though it’s an “inconvenience”. Giving money to someone who is in need, right when it’s a tight month for me (yet realizing how insanely blessed we are to consider our situation “tight” – when in reality we are so blessed it’s almost laughable). To do the small things. The things that go anonymous, the things that get no accolade, that no one will ever know or hear about. Not for our own glory, but because we have a heart called to do it.

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I’m still working on the small things, and I have a new perspective. One that shows me in each small thing, He is building a bigger story in the background. That with every nudge I listen to, no matter the embarrassment, inconvenience, or awkwardness, He is building me up to do bigger things. And maybe the big things ARE in fact, in the small things. Sometimes what seems so small to us, is actually huge to someone else. Maybe through even the smallest amount of love, there are big things happening in someone’s heart. To know that the one person we had a small encounter with, is better off because of it.

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I’m finding there is a contentment to be found in the small things. Being content that I am hearing and seeing more clearly, and listening to those nudges. Being content in who I am, and what we have been given. It scares me to be called to bigger things at the same time. It scares me, because I feel there is more and more distraction and temptation in the big things. There is temptation to want to do something for the affirmation and praise of others. I visualize I slippery slope, starting with good intentions, that quickly wipe you off your feet, down the icy path to self-indulgence, and selfishness. It’s so easy to quickly be swept up in our culture of a social hierarchy, likes and followers making us feel good, or outward appearance being more important than looking inwards.

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I fall into this trap too – that is how I know it is such a slippery slope, and so desperately don’t want to go there. I often worry if what I want is aligned with what He has called me to do. I struggle here, and ask myself, “Why do I feel this is where I am called to go? Called to be?” And I have to be honest with myself… is it truly for the benefit of others, and healing? Orrrrr is it to fill me up with praise of others and others affirming who I am? This is a constant battle in my mind – I want to do the right thing, the wise thing. I don’t want to lose sight of the big picture. This too, is something I yearn to be stronger in as we raise our little boy. I can’t imagine the world he will walk into down high school hallways, or what unique struggles he will be faced with. But I do know I want to equip him as best possible to not give into our social and cultural norms. That he can be a leader – a light – to those around him. That, through God, anything is possible.

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This is where and why I’ve realized again, the importance of having people in your life who can hold you accountable. Not the friends that have an auto-reply message of, “No! You’re amazing! You’re great! Don’t worry about that…” But the friends who have been journeying with you, know your weaknesses (and your strengths), and can honestly hold you accountable – in a safe, and loving way. Friends who hold you accountable not because they want to “catch” you failing, but who love you so much they want to help you along. For this same reason, I believe it “Takes a Village” to raise a child. Because, I know I will fail. I will fall short. I’m going to have days where I snap at this little boy, where I don’t take the time to listen to his struggles of the day, times where maybe he doesn’t feel he can come to me after a failure. This is where we need trusted friends, family, surrounding us to pick ourselves up, so we can be there for our children also.

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I feel something good brewing on the horizon. And maybe it will take time to get there, or maybe it will just “click”. But in reality, it always takes time doesn’t it? “Everything good is worth waiting for.”? We often see these “overnight success” stories, but we don’t always hear the story behind the success. How many years that person spent wandering, how many hours have they put into their craft, what heartaches and sacrifices did they go through to get to that “overnight success”? The good stuff usually takes hard work.

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I’m thankful for the ability to put in the hard work. I’m thankful for truth that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, rising again, conquering the world. This especially hits home as we celebrate Good Friday and Easter, this weekend, knowing what He gave up for us. Every time I get fearful of the temptations, distractions, and utter mess we see in the world, I think to Jesus words,

“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

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What are you struggling with today? What have you put off starting? Who are your people?

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XO,

Kayla